Walls we built
by innocent-rebel
Summary: This is just an angsty little oneshot in a journal entry form about how one of the guys feels. I officially have angst.


Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT only the angst in this story.

A/N: This is just a journal entry I thought one of the guys may write, so that's the reason for the format. If it's to hard to read just tell me and I'll change it, but like I said it's just supposed to be an angsty little one-shot. Please review but don't feel obliged this is just something I wrote to help me vent. This has been reformatted from the original version. Hope it's easier to read now. Thanks for the help with **Jessiy Landroz**, I guess it was kinda hard to read before. Sorry. 

May 25, 2005

_Do you see me for more than just what I am, when you look at me father do you see, someone who would protect you and my brothers with my very life? Do you see someone who all he ever really wanted was to please you? Do you see a child who is more or less just too afraid to ask for help? To afraid of being considered weak? Afraid that one mistake (though I've made plenty) might finally cause you to give up on me and turn away forever only seeing the failure that I have become. _

_Yes father you look at me, but do you really see me as more than just an arrogant hot-head, or is that all I have become in your eyes? I realize now or perhaps I understood long ago that even though you see me, you call me "My son." You'll never really know me. You look at me and talk to me, but all your words are really just hitting a wall. One I admittedly put up there and began forging long ago. Why exactly I don't know. I think though that I put it there so that you could not hurt me if you wanted to. I know that you'd never intently do that to me Sensei but I also know that you do. You've done it before and I have no doubt that you'll do it again, accident or not, you'll do it. _

_This wall though does have its immense drawbacks for the both of us Sensei. Whenever you try and reach out, I automatically push you away because I do not want to fail. Then when the time comes and I finally am ready to except your help and try to not hurt anymore and feel so alone, there's the wall there again._

_Stopping me from reaching out to you. But you have a wall to don't you? The wall that keeps me at bay. I don't understand why you and I have built these walls, but I do know that they went up at exactly the same time, brick by brick we built them together and now only time can tell if you and I can break them down and begin a new. Not saying it'll be easy, both of us know that it'll be far from that, but couldn't we at least try Sensei, father? Couldn't we just see if both of our tempers, patients and differences will allow it? _

_I don't wanna keep pushing you away I don't wanna have to keep going on pretending like everything's o.k. between us and it's not I don't want to lose you father. Dad, please? Give me a chance to break down these walls, give me a chance to show you that I'm more than what you know, more than what you thought I could be. Please father, just give me this one chance to break down that wall…."_

"Raphael." I sit straight up and look away from the few pages I have just scribbled down in my journal

"Yes, Master?" I ask as I see him appear in my doorway the feeling of wanting to rush forward and embrace him only held back by my pride and knowing what everyone else would think

"Sparring lesson in two minutes, please be ready." He turned to leave "Oh and Raphael, please no more of your sninanigans or outburst in this session." Then he turns and walks away completely out of my sight. Sighing I get up to follow as I close the book and drop on my cluttered desk on my way out. I take one last look.

"Yes, one day those walls of ours will come down," I think sadly "But not today father, today I will again play the role as hothead who constantly wears on everyone's nerves with my display of temper and often unrequited anger, but there will come a day when both our walls break down together, on a day when we are both ready to face the truth and start anew, yes that day will come. I just pray that it is not as far off as it seems." And with this final thought I click off the lights in my room.


End file.
